Reading the Funnies

a guilty pleasure

WHERE ARE you supposed to get your news from nowadays? I get mine from live TV, YouTube and the headlines that get spewed onto my homepage. Since the latter seem to be a mixture of tabloid and broadsheet clickbait, AI garbage and recycled news I really should ignore them, and I very often do, but occasionally, for one reason or another, I take a peek.

Most of this rubbish would make any self-respecting journalist blush, but regardless of the quality or timeliness of the piece, there may be gold in the chat section, where readers give their views. I never comment myself, since I can think of no quicker way to instigate a pile-on, but amid the torrents of bile encountered within this pitiless arena, there can be unexpected nuggets that induce in yours truly a squeal of laughter so piercing that hubby, seated next to me on the sofa, has been known to rip out his hearing aid while I point at my screen, gasping for air.

Photo by E Hillsley on Unsplash

I was introduced to this guilty pleasure by Private Eye, the UK’s premier satirical magazine, which used to run a fortnightly feature entitled From the Message Boards, a parody - at least I think it was a parody - of the kind of thing I am talking about. It was also, I suppose, a more up-to-date version of Sir Herbert Gussett, the Eye’s fictional ranter, author of outraged letters to the press. (He was brought to apoplectic life by the actor John Sessions at the annual Private Eye Year In Review show, until Sessions sadly passed away in 2020.)

Funny as these send-ups are, there’s nothing like the real thing to set me off. Some of the participants seem to spend their time in such a sustained state of fury that I wonder how they avoid spontaneously combusting, or at least jamming the exclamation mark keys on their laptops. It’s not always fun, or indeed funny, since we all know how people can get carried away online, typing things that they would never say in person - at least I hope not - but not long ago I read a piece that elicited such premium responses that I decided to share them with you.

I’m not condoning rudeness; I value manners highly and deplore aggressive discourse, that’s why I’ve never registered on X, but the fact is that when riled, particularly by something unworthy of their ire, people can be very, very funny.

Before I go any further, I must say that I have wrestled with my conscience over my enjoyment of these news chat forums. Firstly, I could be reading something more improving: the back of a cereal packet, for example. In Low Life, the weekly column he wrote for The Spectator, the late Jeffrey Bernard remarked that 'The English man-in-the-street…is largely envious, vindictive and punitive,’¹ and there is certainly evidence of this in the message board community. There’s no doubt that I could be doing something more productive with my time than reading the fallout from news articles that are either very badly written or worse, produced by some diabolical, artificial means. Also, I wouldn’t like you to think that I am the kind of person who laughs at others in a superior way. I’m honestly not, I just can’t help enjoying the paroxysms of in my view disproportionate outrage and wry, pithily expressed sarcasm. I view these comments in the same way as those one might overhear in a pub, late in the evening, when everyone is ‘tired and emotional’, and holding forth on subjects about which they know very little.

In my experience, comments sometimes have little or no relevance to the subject of the piece, but rather reflect some deeply held grievance, one that the person commenting will take any opportunity to air. Evergreen topics are the abolition of the BBC and the UK TV license, and immigration. There is also ample evidence of visceral hatred of politicians of every stripe, and of rich people in general. Celebrities are considered fair game. In the interests of balance, I should add that comments can also be intelligent, considered, relevant and useful, but I have to admit that those are less common. This is apparently a forum where people like to vent their frustrations, and they frequently turn on each other. Weak as I am, I sometimes have to look, like a moth drawn to an extremely hot flame. I could quote Henry James and say that 'all human life is there’, but this would be no more than a pompous attempt to give my morbid curiosity a dignity that it does not deserve.²

To the article in question, which didn’t seem to me to be particularly controversial, but how wrong I was. Attributed to a journalist called Lauren Morris, it appeared in The Independent on 4th March, and concerned two well-known British celebrities. The headline went as follows:

Judge says Ant and Dec have ‘good case’ with legal dispute over Banksy

The use of the misleading headline is now commonplace; a fraudulent tactic by which to attract clicks. Sure enough, this was not about a legal dispute over an artwork by Banksy. It concerned Ant McPartlin and Declan Donnelly, two UK TV presenters who specialise in light entertainment shows and have been working as a duo for decades. According to the piece, a judge has ruled that they have an arguable case after claiming that a consultant made 'secret and unauthorised’ profit while buying and selling art owned by them, including pieces by Banksy. They have filed a claim in the High Court asking that an art dealer, who is not accused of any wrongdoing, be ordered to disclose information about their transactions with the consultant. Judge Iain Pester (a good name for a lawyer, don’t you think?) agreed to make the order, saying that there was a 'good arguable case that a form of legally recognised wrong has been committed’, although he has not made any finding as regards liability or wrongdoing.

I’m not sure what made me read this. Perhaps it was the clickbaity headline implying some kind of legal dispute with Banksy. I don’t know why I chose to read the chat either, but here are the comments in all their glory. I have made some minor amendments to the names but retained their format, and I’ve reproduced the comments exactly as presented. I suggest that for maximum enjoyment you keep the subject of the piece to the forefront of your mind. I find that this really enhances the experience.

n wright:

Years of several different tv show hits, miles more than anyone else, so doh!

Billy 1st:

Ant & Dec should be charged with crimes against entertainment. What a couple of never has beens!

james aspinall:

well said we have had to suffer them and others for fourty years .time they and many televsion executives were booted out

Christopher Travers:

hear hear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RUGULA LXV:

Agreed!

Tomo B:

james aspinall

Why didn’t you switch your TV off or change channel .

You didn’t have to watch them

bobby munro:

whats up the talentless pair short of talent and money as well two hasbeens they spoil progams they are in as well

Jingle Bell Rock:

As they say, fools and money easily parted as this story clearly demonstrates.

ray martin:

Rich personalities get duped? Wow, ya don’t say.

Louisa Whitehall:

Those two, personalities~!??

About as much personality as the gravel on our drive.

james aspinall:

Ant and Dec are well past a long with many other been on television for fourty years time is up

Edward Reid:

English optional.

Wayne Sparks:

Why are these wallies even getting any publicity. They should be renamed ‘The Two Twerps’. No talent whatsoever!

Tim W:

glad its not just me - I’m sick of seeing these two smug ageing adolescents. They remind me of the ACDC guitar player doomed to be in a schoolboy uniform forever.

mickey womble:

Corbyn was once asked what he thought of them and he had not heard of them nor have many intelligent people.

danny st.jock:

They are as funny as a tick on the southern end of a horse.

Yes, I know: poor Ant and Dec. I hope they weren’t reading. I warned you that this was a guilty pleasure, but let’s face it, if the kind of journalism I’m seeing on my home page is what’s on offer, I need to get something from the news. In a world of endless strife, surely a good laugh can’t hurt. Can it?

If today’s post made you smile, please click the ❤️. It helps boost circulation. If you liked it a lot, you can subscribe, share or leave a small one-off tip. Thank you for supporting human creativity.

1. Quote from a piece entitled Bed of Nettles. Included in Reach for the Ground, The Downhill Struggle of Jeffrey Bernard, by Jeffrey Bernard.

2. ‘Cats and monkeys, monkeys and cats—all human life is there’. Henry James: The Madonna of the Future. Source: Britannica.